Humans crave praise. As a species, we yearn to be recognized by others. We love to stand apart from the crowd and be identified. Children are no different. Praising effectively can go a long way in molding a confident individual.
Praising helps boost a child’s confidence. It helps provide the impetus for the kid to explore new things and try their hand at novel stuff. It prompts them to move out of their comfort zone.
Over the years joint families have disintegrated into nuclear families. Families with two children have given way to families with a single child. This structural change in families has also changed the way we praise our kids. Along the way, we have gone from almost zero praise to moderate praise and now over-praise.
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Praising Effectively – How should parents and teachers do it?
As parents, we pamper our kids with over-praise. We assume this will make them proud of themselves and hence over time teach them to be independent. We tend to forget the distinction between praise-worthy action and natural skill-building activity. We end up praising both. Too much praise all the time makes it lose its significance.
Too much praise has the following drawbacks:
- Being showered with praise all day long may cause kids to unconsciously ignore it.
- Some of them may feel it as being insincere.
- Kids may become addicted to praise as it gives them a false sense of gratification.
- Children may also become dependent on parental approval before embarking on anything new.
As parents, we often forget what we need to praise our kids for. We end up praising them for everything they do. Even for skills that they pick up along their natural growth phase.
- A child learns to walk. We praise.
- A child learns to grip its toothbrush properly. We praise.
- A child learns to talk coherently. We praise.
Are we right? Not necessarily.
Psychologists denounce constant praise
Psychologists are of a different opinion. They insist that praise for a child should not be for picking up natural skills while growing up. Rather, praise an out-of-normal action by the child.
Reserve your praise for the child when it utilizes these skills to do something out of the way.
- A child has learnt to walk, picks ups its own things and puts them in place. Yes, the child deserves praise.
- A child has learnt to grip the toothbrush, uses an old one to clean the sink. Yes, the child deserves praise.
- A child has learnt to talk coherently, tries to communicate using words rather than sign language. Yes, the child deserves praise.
This should give you a fair idea of when to praise a child and when to just acknowledge a child picking up a natural skill.
Do not confuse encouragement with praise
Also, do not confuse praise with encouragement. Encouraging a child to pick up a skill is needed. However, it need not be praised for having done so. You can just acknowledge it.
How should one praise a child?
Praising is an art that parents, teachers, mentors must all pick up to use in grooming a child.
Praising Effectively #1 – Be specific in your praise
Let the child know exactly what attributes of his/her you found praiseworthy. Do not praise in a vague manner. Especially applicable to kids below 15 years.
Kids learn from the praises they receive too. Hence the praises must be specific.
- Do not say, “I liked your behavior when guests were visiting us today”
- Instead say, “I appreciate the fact that you did not insist on watching the TV when we had guests today. I also liked it when you participated actively in the conversation Uncle Kiran was trying to have with you.”
- Do not say, “You are behaving more maturely these days”.
- Instead say, “I was pleased that you gathered all your clothes and put them for wash without having to be told.”
Specific praise is like highlighting to the child the exact portions of her/his behavior that you found pleasing. This acts as a positive reinforcement to the child to re-emulate the behavior the next time too.
Praising Effectively #2 -Be sincere in your praise
Praise in the right quantity. The praise should be commensurate with the efforts put in by the child. Never make the child feel that they do not deserve the praise they just received from you. There should not linger an iota of doubt in the mind of the child whether the praise was actually directed towards them.
Insincere Praises
- You are the best student I have ever had!
- You have the best handwriting in the whole town!
- I have not seen another chess player like you
Sincere praises
- I feel proud to have you as my student due to your efforts in the recent math test.
- Your handwriting has evolved to become something you can be proud of!
- Your passion and efforts in the game have made you extremely strong in the game of chess
Praising Effectively#3 – Praise with a focus on continual improvement
Praise kids with a focus on the journey, not just the goal. This will nudge the children to keep improving continuously.
- Do not say, “I am happy you won first place in 100m race in athletics”
- Say, “I am happy that your constant efforts have propelled you to excel in the 100m race”
- Do not say, “We are happy you scored the first rank”
- Say, “We are happy that all your diligent efforts led to you doing so well in your exams. Keep up the same efforts all along in your life”
Praising effectively is essentially pandering to a basic human craving for recognition. Done right it can do wonders especially among children in ensuring they open their minds to learning new things. It also boosts their ability to think and take action independently, while getting ready to face justified criticism. Eventually, these attributes go a long way in making them holistic adults. Success breeds from these small things done right during their childhood.
